Though the “going to the movie theater” experience seems to be less in vogue of late, I can think back, fondly, to a number of films I enjoyed over the years.  Among the “comedies” on my list of favorites are “Where’s Poppa,” released in 1970, and the holiday classic “Christmas Vacation,” which first screened in 1989.

Anyone who has seen the latter film will recall the scene at Christmas dinner where “Aunty Bethany” (played by Mae Questal) is invited to say grace before the meal.  Confused about what she is being asked to do, she pauses and then recites The Pledge of Allegiance … which causes Cousin Eddie to stand and put his hand over his heart.

“Where’s Poppa,” stars Ruth Gordon playing the part of George Segal’s rude and  “senile” mother.   As the plot unfolds, Segal’s frustration with being his mother’s sole caregiver reaches the point where he begins considering ways to dispose of her.  All the while, she demands to know where her long-deceased husband might be, asking repeatedly … “Where’s Poppa.”

Anyone who has seen either of these productions knows that laughter abounds.

At the risk of putting a damper on the hilarity, however, it should be noted that in both of these movies the actors are portraying individuals suffering from some form of dementia.  And though film credits use the term “senile” in describing the Ruth Gordon character, we have come to understand that to be an offensive and outdated term, generally avoided in discussing this awful condition.  But since both films are considered “comedies,” it is expected that viewers will find humor in what plays out on the screen. 

It makes some of us uncomfortable, no doubt, to admit having laughed or made light of behaviors we now know to be indicative of cognitive decline.  This is not to say that humor is or should be absent from interacting with and assisting those who suffer with this awful malady.  For many caregivers, in fact, laughter can be that precious healing moment, a mere heartbeat away from crying.  The difference, of course lies in “laughing with” rather than “laughing at.”

As a matter of fact, for the caregiver and the loved one alike, humor can play an important role in helping to alleviate stress by fostering connections, reducing agitation and providing comfort in challenging situations.  Additionally, shared laughter can enhance relationships, making individuals with Alzheimer’s feel safer and more connected to their loved ones.

Like most of society, Hollywood, now takes a more thoughtful and nuanced approach to the effects of dementia on families and individuals.  in the 2014 movie “Still Alice,” for example, Julianne Moore plays the part of a linguistics professor whose gradual descent into Alzheimer’s has a profound impact upon both her and her family.  It is heart-wrenching.

As the 6th leading cause of death in the United States, Alzheimer’s can have grave consequences for both the sufferer and the caregiver.  When Owen Darnell’s wife, Esther, passed away in 1993, he wrote a poem intended to help others understand just how devastating and debilitating certain forms of dementia can be.  His poignant words allow us to see this disease from the other side:

Do not ask me to remember,
Don’t try to make me understand,
Let me rest and know you’re with me,
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept,
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me,
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting,
Can’t be different though I try.
Just remember that I need you,
That the best of me is gone,
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ’til my life is done.